These last few months have broken me beautifully open.

I feel raw, new, full of possibility but also unprotected and surrounded by overwhelming uncertainties and risks. There has been so much loss and change that I feel like I am going through what Frances Weller calls “a rough initiation.”

My old life stands beneath me in shambles. This moment has been chopping away at all the impermanent accomplishments and social bonds that I had been using as armor against accepting the devastatingly beautiful vulnerability of being alive. They were bits of pieces of successful illusions that prevented me asking what I really wanted in my life—not for the world, not for my people—but for me.

 Since I have spent the last few years trying to get support to other organizers in crisis, many of you have suggested it’s time for me to do the same for myself. So, I am sending this digital message in a bottle far and wide and will be asking you to share it even further. If you know me, you also know that I am writing this to shape my narrative which is often the third step on my journey towards wholeness after rupture (after accepting and grieving the loss). I also think that aspects of my journey mirror wider issues in social movements that we need to be talking about and grappling with.

Yet, the story is a long one and probably not for everyone. So, I’m going to break it up into parts. This first one will be just a quick overview of what’s happening and an ask for support.

TL:DR version is that my partner of 10 years left me suddenly in the beginning of April. This has been emotionally hard. It has also been financially hard as she was also a founding member of the organization that paid our bills. As a clergy member she was paid a housing allowance that paid rent, utilities and household expenses. When she left that support went away too. This happened while WildSeed was experiencing a cash flow problem, so I have not been paid my salary since mid-March. I decided to keep working without pay (as I have done many times before) in part because I thought I had the added support from a partner with a lot of savings. Changes in the funding landscape coupled with work partnerships ended unexpectedly means that a cash flow issue has become a full-on budget crisis.

WildSeed does not have funding to continue existing in its current form. In many ways, we are not unique. This past year has seen so many layoffs in non-profits and non-profit serving orgs across the country and reporting markedly less revenue. This in itself is something that we need to talk about. Funders rushed to fill in gaps in government funding but most chose not to spend more of their endowments which says a lot about what they value. Many funders also quietly walked back commitments to funding racial justice out of fear of push back. Others made shifts to react to latest attack from the administration more to justify saying no to long term grantees than out of any strategic plan.

Yet, there are also important lessons in how WildSeed has attempted to navigate this uncertainty. WildSeed has been open about trying to do work differently. We came to conclusion years ago that our movements would fail if kept organizing ourselves according to dictates of capital and the state. We all bemoan the non-profitization of movements yet also know there is a distinct limit to what scrappy volunteer organizations can achieve. The most successful volunteer efforts are either short lived or rely on class privilege of the leaders to have the time to devote to a project long term.

Additionally, the healing work needed to experiment with working differently also changed our motivations. When given space our team realized that much of their past productivity was being pushed by pain, fear and trauma. Once that was gone there was lack of motivation. They ended up wanting to put more time in their family, health and communities. While visions of new visionary projects aligned with our mission have emerged it was not on a timeline that kept the lights on.

I don’t think that this means non-profitization and professionalization are necessary evils. Or that we must resign ourselves to weather the boom and busts of business cycles and funder fads. I think we need to figure out ways for organizers to be community supported and free to build emergent organizations. All of the work that goes into making a fundable, stable, long term organization is work can detracts from the mission. Most importantly, it’s not work that people who want to make the world a better place are often called to do. Yet figuring out a way to be community supported at scale is going to take time and relaxed enough nervous system to think creatively. Two things I just don’t have.

I am now in the position of needing help with rent and food while I work to figure out the future of WildSeed–which is clearly no longer viable in its current form. Yet there are two many legal and ethical commitments to sort to just set it down for a moment. I really just need some breathing room to grieve the loss of so much of what I built my life around. I believe that this moment could be an initiation into something truly beautiful and more aligned for me if I let it. I also firmly believe that WildSeed has so much to offer the world right now if it changes its organizational shape. But right now, I am forced to use the brief moments of clarity between personal financial panic and existential dread to deal with organizational issues.

Trying to hold my mental, physical and spiritual health, while trying to figure out if I need to move, while trying to maintain relationships with my coworkers who are also going through financial strain while trying to figure out if the Vision of WildSeed is viable at this moment is simply too much for me.

I’m not okay. I had a few panic attacks trying to put all this together.

 I need help. Financial help if you have it but also need help thinking about aligned ways to move forward. Places to live in community, opportunities to publish so much writing, ways to get funded to pursue this idea of community supported change agents.

I know that many of you are in similar financial positions. So, I understand that giving financially doesn’t feel like an option for everyone. One, even $5 dollars helps. But  two, more importantly there are tons of other ways to support, I made a list here.

Immediate Support Needs for Aaron

I need support with July and August Rent, Utilities and Food. It’s a total of $7K.

1. PayPal
2. Venmo @Aaron-Goggans
3. Give Butter [If you want a tax deduction]
4. Patreon [for recurring support]

Other Ways To Support

1. Hire me for something!
2. Submit an opportunity or offering for support in this form!

Ways To Support WildSeed

1. Donate To WildSeed
2. Connect Us with Funders!
   1. Here is one pager as an overview
   1. Here is a funder FAQ
3. Hire Our Wellness Cooperative